my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
