I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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