I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Congratulations! We have a period
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