Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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