between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
