my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
