I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
