you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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