so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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