There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
