Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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