Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
