I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
