My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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