They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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