There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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