Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
