so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
