She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
