I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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