Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
