fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
