She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
