Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
