omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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