Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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