Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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