so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
