I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
