dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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