I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
