Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
did you just send me my own nude
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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