im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
