$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
