If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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