First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
