watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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