apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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