Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
