Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
