Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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