i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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