She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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