so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
