Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
