i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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