Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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