you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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