I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Your dad touched me again.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
