grandma shit on top of the toilet
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up under a house in Key West
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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