yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
