He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
