im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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