I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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