We're facebook friends in real life
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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