Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
